How long it has been? ever so lonely ever so numb. No feelings, whatsoever. The space of four walls of my home was all I knew. A TV to fill my mind, books to feed my mind and parents to chew on it. Emotions were there but no one thought me how to express them. I think they are learned not thought, but I was too numb to know that back then. Socializing was as rare as the 'rain in the deserts.' No I was not captivated; merely showed how not-to-be-a-part of this world. Even though I was free (..that's what was told to me!) 'The world was a bad place and it will infect you if you even try to poke your nose through the window.' So, silence and me were like brothers, no ..like friends. I think Friendship is more deeper than brotherhood.
Everyone thought of me as to be shy, cynical, weird, arrogant just because my 'only' friend was with me all the time. Some even thought I was mute. (which I am not..thank you!) I screamed, talked, laughed(hysterically!), sang and even empathized but was never been audible to anyone. On any given time if I had to... forced to.. speak up, it seemed an unending task of mammoth proportions. As though it was something on which my life was clinging on to,and it would snap the moment I even try to blurt a word from my mouth.
Minutes, hours, days and even years flew by, it was just the same. My mind was struggling to get loose, it was threatening to quite, the struggle was intense and something had to be done; and fast!
"Break the barriers, bend the rules" as easy as that. But that was revolt and I wasn't ready for that. So small step to the center stage; no back doors, they won't work for me. The foremost thing I had to do was kill my 'only' friend, which I did without even giving an afterthought. I had to do it...so I did. Everyone was surprised, astonished by the deed.
Emotions ran like wild animals, I didn't knew how to control them, I was learning. From that moment on the world seemed a very different place. It was altogether transformed from the one I imagined it to be, somehow very roomy yet close to constrained. The denizens of the world seemed cheery, lovable, rebellious yet very different from the ones I had been shown through the space of the window. I kind of liked it, loving it was far from question.
After these many years I truly cherished the taste of the warm rain, felt the true heat of the sun, got swept away by the waves from the sea. And this is just the beginning to the center stage of the world. But even now, every now and then: the ghost of my 'only' friend still shows up besides me......